Memories Keep You Near
by aurora-sakura
Summary: Hitomi doesn't want to be a mistress in a relationship, especially as she grows to like the one who's taken her spot. However, loosing him once was too great a sacrifice. Loosing him twice isn't even an option. She wonders what kind of person she's become
1. protocol

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: Well... this may seem kind of depressing and such, but I promise, it will all be ok. But on that note, I may have to change some things so that this won't little note won't give everything away. -laughs-

Aren't I wonderful?

Takes place years after the series (not sure exactly how long, just make it up in your mind I guess) and is a Van/Hitomi to the core! Yes! It is!

----indicate where a memory comes in and out.

Chapter 1

She runs her fingers -- for what feels like the hundredth time -- over the fabric at her side and takes a moment to close her eyes and take in everything around her. The smell of the wood burning in the small hearth in the corner that smells like something between apple and pine, and the snapping and popping that accompanies it as the fire dies down unattended. The strange smell of perfume lingers around the room, fighting for dominance with the smell of the fire. It smells expensive, and she wonder if all the sheets in every room here smell like this.

She doubts it and feels slightly bitter at that thought.

The whole point of living in the city was to _avoid_ the strange luxury she didn't want. In response to such thoughts her face suddenly burns in both annoyance and embarrassment

Van just didn't like to listen.

Sighing, Hitomi turned on her side and tucked her hands under the down pillows to cradle her head, not feeling any better as she found herself staring at the annoying, elaborate collaboration of fabric draped over the chair near the bed. The dress had been delivered to her not long ago by a young girl she hadn't seen before. The girl had bowed -- something she would never get used to -- and quickly, shyly handed her the dress before bustling off.

No doubt the girl had heard about Hitomi's past tantrum at receiving gifts.

Looking at the dress now, she realized all the young women who have brought her such elegant gifts must find her insane.

She'd discarded the beautiful thing on that chair as soon as she'd closed the door, and just now felt a large urge to run her fingers along that fabric instead of the bedspread. She hadn't even read the note it came with, and knew it was childish not to.

Van meant well. Everything wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault she came back. It wasn't his fault she didn't stay in the castle.

...And it wasn't his fault he was married. She'd blamed him originally but knew now that it really wasn't... not after meeting those horrible men he calls "advisors". They loved to stare down their noses at her.

Hadn't she worried about that very thing for years? The possibility that he'd moved on without her. Now that it was actually happening she felt numb and disorientated all the time.

"What am I doing here?" She spoke the question to the ceiling, trying not to look at the present of guilt draped across the chair in the corner.

It was raining. Pouring, and Hitomi figured it was sensible for the weather to match her mood just perfectly, her tears mingling with the fresh rain water pouring from her hair and cheeks. She was drenched within a matter of seconds, her beautiful dress ruined. Behind her she could hear the ballroom music, the string and wind instruments, as she slowed to a walk in the court yard, wrapping her arms around herself in a pathetic attempt to keep warm.

The ball had been wonderful, and it was with luck that she arrived while it was being organized. For a little while she'd been able to get swept up in the excitement of it all along with an older Merle and Celena, whom she hadn't met before. She was able to enjoy going dress shopping, and enjoyed sitting and watching men and women put up decorations.

She wouldn't let herself get distracted with the fact it wasn't her on Van's arm, and only half listened when Merle told her that Van didn't love his new Queen. That he was still completely devoted to her.

Hitomi could believe that, as it was quite obvious to her -- suddenly everything about him was obvious -- that he still loved her. The small glanced he would send her when his wife was taking to him, small unsure smiles sent over the dinner table and gifts randomly appearing in her guest bedroom, sender "unknown" showed he was feeling immensely guilty for everything. Most of all, the little touches he managed to give her, shyly, when they were alone. Small brushes against her shoulder, along her fingertips. A hand on the small of her back, on her neck for a brief second before he withdrew.

She always got pins and needles and felt happy and flushed even from the briefest contact with him, and in turn knew that she still loved him too.

She was stupid to think she could pretend to be his queen, but she realized she could at least dress the part. She looked just as good as any of the other women there. Hell, she looked more royalty that night than Van himself, as she laughed in pleasure to find him wearing his everyday clothes at the engagement. It was entirely a Van thing to do and she was more than happy to watch him move across the room all night, sipping wine and chatting to people of obvious class who might find his garb insulting.

Van still had this quiet intensity about him that demanded the attention of the room while she was simply masquerading.

A shaky breath escaped her as she turned to look back towards the castle, regretting leaving now. As she turned, she realized, with a start, that Van was right behind her. Just as wet, just as intense as ever as his burgundy eyes burned holes through her.

He stopped, just short of her, and for a moment she thought he might throw all barriers aside and pull her into his arms. He didn't.

"Hitomi."

She felt instantly frustrated. "Van. You should be inside."

He was perfectly still a moment. Unbelievably still, and she wondered if she should apologies for being so curt.

Finally, he shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"You should-"

_"It doesn't matter."_

She shut her mouth with a snap, and looked towards the ground, only than noticing he was holding a red cloak. The one he'd been wearing early on in the evening. She didn't even register he was putting it on her when he did, only stared up at him in something like wonder as his hand gently slid down her back. She could feel it through the thick fabric. Warm and recognizable.

"You don't have to go back in there."

She nodded, not really sure what else she could do. She knew she wouldn't be able to say anything intelligent.

He continued. "I know you don't want to be there. I'm sorry for making you come."

"You didn't _make_ me Van..." A feeble attempt at conversation.

A small smile came to his face now, but was gone just as quickly. She found she wanted it back so badly. "Go take a hot bath. I'll have someone make you one." At her nod, his shoulders seemed to unstiffen. "I wish I didn't have to go back in there."

This little comment, and the look on his face made Hitomi realize that he truly didn't want to stay there. The truth behind it, judging by the way his eyes darkened and by the way his eyes drifted over her face intently made it obvious he would rather have stayed with her.

"I wish you didn't have to either." She smiled. "But you do. It's your birthday after all."

She pulled the cloak closer to her chest, watching as the rain matted Van's hair to his face and ran down his cheeks and chin in rivers.

They were both hesitating.

"Can I see you later?"

"Yes." Her voice breezy as she watched his eyes darken once more and she felt her heart speed up in anticipation.

There was no proper protocol for this. She could almost hear his wife's tinkling laughter from the ballroom, but didn't much care at the moment.

The small stones fit firmly in the center of her palm, cold and damp, before she wound back and tossed it up stream. The stone made a 'thunk' sound as it was swallowed by the gentle swells in the water, and Merle made a small noise of annoyance behind her.

She turned. "What?"

The cat girl -- or women now really -- planted her hands (paws?) firmly on her hips and jutted a hip out to one side in the perfect pose of indignant. "_What_ are we doing here? I thought we were going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." She stooped to pick up another stone.

"You're _never_ hungry anymore." Her ears folded down in something Hitomi thought must be sadness before perking up again as before. "Did you get the dress."

Hitomi's response came out in a growl. "Yes... I did get it."

"Isn't it beautiful?" Merle was grinning, and for the life of her, Hitomi couldn't figure out why she wasn't grinning at all anymore.

"It is."

"Than how come you don't like it?" Her voice had taken on a hostile tone and Hitomi felt herself cringe, awaiting a good swipe across the arm as Merle had already done during her visit here.

"It's not that I don't _like_ it. I do like it! It's just..." She trailed off. "It feels like it's just a bribery gift."

"That's because it _is_, Hitomi. He wants you to come live in the palace."

Hitomi dropped the stone immediately and dusted her hands off on the simple dress she'd put on, almost in defiance to the dress draped on the chair. "You know why I'm not living there."

"He still loves you, Hitomi."

"I know that." She smiled at the cat women. A real smile. "I know that... I just can't stay there."

"I don't understand." She removed her hands from her hips and crossed them over her chest. "Isn't it good enough just being close to him."

Hitomi realized that must be how Merle feels.

"I can't hate her. That's what it comes down to. But I might think bad thoughts about her if I see them together all the time, and I don't want to do that."

"It's not as if Van is being faithful to her."

Hitomi felt herself blushing, but turned away so that Merle wouldn't see. "I don't want to be the mistress."

"It's a little too late for that, Hitomi."

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A/N: End of chapter 1. See what I mean by unhappy:( But it won't always be like that.

Hopefully everyone will keep reading. Chapter 2 up soon. :)


	2. Mistress

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: Chapter 2! ...and the reason why I rated this story M. For MATURE. As in Le Sex!

O.o if you don't want to read it, you can just not read the story :P however, I want you to so I won't make it that graphic. It will be romantic, not graphic and porno-ish (A new word!).

----indicate where a memory comes in and out.

Chapter 2

"That's a beautiful necklace."

Hitomi looked up in surprise at the painfully familiar tinkle of voice. Here she was, standing right beside her with that beautiful smile, elegant clothing that Hitomi suppose must be from her home country -- flowing fabrics and draping jewelry and skin an amazing color created from living in a country with more sunlight than anything else. She had her dark hair braided back in something that Hitomi could never pull off and her hands were clasping shawls of fine fabrics to her shoulders. Hitomi didn't need to glance around to know there would be a small group of women tagging along with her and a gaggle of bystanders curious to see their new Queen wandering the streets of Fanalia.

Hitomi felt herself blush in embarrassment and turn her eyes down to the table of wears she had stopped the view. She hardly noticed the necklace now. "It is very beautiful."

"You should buy it." She smiled, so innocently. "Van did give you some spending money didn't he? If not I shall ask him to."

She instantly felt uncomfortable, not at the girl's question exactly, just at the fact that this women really did not know what was going on.

She didn't know how badly she was being betrayed.

The thing that bothered her most with the whole thing was that this women _could be her._ So far from home. So far from anything she knew. Betrayed by the one you love.

And this women did love Van, just as Hitomi did.

"It's too fancy for me." Hitomi forced a smile, turning green eyes to meet the women's deep brown. She had such wide, curious eyes. A beautiful young queen. Nodding at the vendor, an old women with wrinkled cheeks, she began to move away down the street, away from the queen.

However, she seemed to think the gesture an invitation to walk with her, and Hitomi wondered if she really did not want Van's wife there. She was friendly, and good company.

As she fell into step with Hitomi she caught the smell of the perfume she wore. It smelt like fruit and spices.

"Van says you did not see the city completed before you left."

she nods, not sure what else to do, and keeps her gaze on the street ahead of them. The crowd parts as they move. She can hear the whispers.

And they do whisper. Of course they do. The King's wife walking with his lover. She did not know for sure if they knew about their relationship _now_, but there were the stories about what happened during the war. Some went as far as to say their love had stopped the destruction of all of Gaea.

Of course there would be rumors.

"I left when they were starting."

"Why did you leave?"

An honest question, and one that clearly puzzled her by the curiosity in her voice. Obviously she knew about the love her and Van shared, even if she wasn't clear on the status of that relationship now. "I wish I had stayed." She felt like telling the truth. "But I felt I should do something with my life on Earth... the Mystic Moon." She looked up towards the sky then, but the moons were obscured by clouds and wouldn't be too visible during this time of the day anyway.

"Did you? Do something with your life there I mean."

She smiled. "I went to school. Finished. And was just starting University when my parents died."

She felt rather than saw the other women hold her breath. "I'm so sorry."

Hitomi shook her head, never one for pity. "It's fine. I wanted to bring my brother with me, but I thought it might be better if he stayed. He's living with some family members."

The queen was quiet a moment, and Hitomi felt she was no holding her breath. "It seems so many have lost their family. I lost cousins in the war, but my parents are still alive." Here she suddenly smiled and Hitomi caught it as she was glancing at the taller women. "Not like Van. Still a king, he went to war without hesitation."

"His country was destroyed. He was involved in the war whether he liked it or not." No, she knew it was true. Van could have got others to fight for him.

The other woman fell silent and Hitomi noticed she walked with a distinct motion that was clearly bred from high-class families.

After too long of silence Hitomi decided she needed to speak up. "He is the most amazing person I ever met."

Oh god, what was she thinking? To take such a big risk with that sort of comment? She felt herself holding her breath again.

More silence before her voice broke in. Clear. Beautiful. With the accents of her country and the gentleness in her heart through her words.

"Yes. He is."

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A feather light touch awoke her, and at the shock of waking to complete silence as oppose to the ball downstairs she jerked violently awake and away from the touch in a moment of disorientation.

She instantly felt embarrassed as gentle laughter reached her and she realized that the gentle touch had been Van. His laughter was new to her, and the more she heard it the more she loved it.

"You scared me." Unable to focus properly in the dark room, she found herself staring up at a dark shadow looming over her bed. One hand on the sheets. One knee up on the edge. A mop of messy hair that stuck up in odd angles, longer than she remembered it. The small amount of light filtering through the curtained windows reflected off his tanned arms and her attention drifted automatically to the blue markings he had there.

He'd told her he'd gotten them after Fanalia was completely rebuild and the river routed through.

"Sorry." He shifted, his hand sliding along the sheets of the guest room. He'd told her when moving her in that he originally intended this room for Merle, but she'd moved into a smaller off building earlier in the year. He'd also hinted, shyly and unsurely, that he'd intended her to live in the room off of his.

However, his queen now held that room as her own.

"Did I wake you?"

Hitomi rubbed a fist over her eyes in order to wake herself up, not wanting to be sleeping during the little time she had with Van, but felt herself waking up anyway.

Especially after the initial feeling in the courtyard earlier. Those butterflies in her stomach at the sight of lust in his eyes she probably mirrored in hers.

"Yeah, but it's fine. I didn't mean to fall asleep." She smiled through the darkness at him, even though he probably couldn't see it.

Her heart leapt into her throat as he shifted further onto her bed slowly. Almost too slow. The bed dipping closer to the edge so that Hitomi had to shift closer to him herself. His familiar scent reached her and she felt dizzy from it all.

She wondered if his wife missed him, but thought not as they slept in separate rooms anyway. If she were his queen, she would not want to leave his side.

"Do you mind if I'm here."

She suddenly felt shy. "No... I want you here with me."

He was quiet again, but she took it as a good thing as he crept a little closer to her. She heard the soft thunk of his boots hitting the ground as he kicked them off, and the bed creaked a little bit as he pulled himself fully on top. Goose bumps erupted up her arms as the cloth of his clothes brushed her shoulder and his hand found hers in the dark.

Somehow, she didn't know when, she'd closed her eyes and felt the soft tickle of his breath against her cheek and the feather light brush of his hair against hers and along her forehead. She titled her head up and felt a shock of realization as she brushed her lips against his.

This was Van. This was the young boy whom she'd saved countless time and he the same for her. This was the Van she left behind and dreamed about being with for years.

She was with him now... and he was taken.

It was amazing to her that she could do this without feeling guilty.

What was wrong with her?

Though she forgot everything when she felt an arm encircle her and pull her closer to him. His lips pressed a little harder, more needy and she returned the intensity, feeling her will break down bit by bit. She was entranced and hopelessly caught up in all of it as he pulled away and gently nudged his nose against her cheek before placing a soft kiss there. On her eyelids. On her jaw. On her neck. She didn't realize she'd made a noise of desperation until he'd returned back to her lips, letting his tongue brush along her bottom lip before she allowed hers to meet him halfway.

"I love you." A whisper against her lips and she felt hers tighten into a smile. Her fingers intertwined with his hair before she let her hand carry on down his back, drifting across smooth shoulder-blades. She wondered where his wings went when he pulled them inside.

"I know... I love you too, Van."

He was gentle when he made love to her that night, knowing it was her first time. He offered her an experience she knew she would never feel with anyone else, as she knew she would never love another so much. His breath in her ear and their rhythm was enough to drive her over the edge and she called his name out in the end, clasping to him tightly with one arm around his shoulders and the other hand buried deep in his hair. He stiffened above her a moment and she felt incredibly warm and pleasantly exhausted as he slowly lowered himself next to her and pulled her near to him, his breath heavy and hot against her shoulder before he laid small kisses there. Her pendent around his neck lay along her collarbone, enjoyably cool against her heated, blushing skin as her chest rose up and down. Her body trying to catch up with her mind and the other way around.

She lay there, perfectly still, perfectly intent on simply feeling his body there next to hers and his heart hammering, slowing, against her arm and side. His hair tickled her shoulder where he'd dipped his head down and his nose pressed into the sensitive flesh under her ear. She smiled, and to let him know she regretted nothing, let her hand reach up and run through his black tresses before she folded back his bangs to place a loving, almost cliché kiss on his eyebrow.

He chuckled. She felt the growing up of it in his chest before the small gush of hair against her neck and the small, delightful sound that followed. Oh god, she loved that sound.

They lay in silence for sometime, and when she wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not, spoke into the darkness. "I wish I had come back sooner."

She only realized the weight of the comment when Van pulled her a little tighter to him and kissed her shoulder again.

In the morning he wouldn't stay long. In the morning she had to pretend that everything was fine all over again.

She didn't think she could stand this much longer...

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A/N: there we go. Another chapter :P

I don't know how long it will be until the next one, as school is just about done and I have a final on Thursday. yucky.

I don't much care for this chapter, but meh...haha


	3. Intervention

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: Shoooot me! Exams are terrible :(

Anyway, Chapter 3 for you! I will try to make this one better than the last, but I'm sure you perverts out there would prefer the last one because of the sexxxx!...well... this one might not be all that great in the way that it isn't very happy :( so sad... but bear with me! Please!

This chapter starts in a memory right away. ----- indicate where it stops

Chapter 3

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She glares across the room at him and schools her expression to one of defiance when she really feels like breaking down in tears. She doesn't want to give in, and knows that if she lets the tears fall she'll loose the argument and give in to him, or at least show the weakness she has when it comes to him. Perhaps he knows of the weakness already, but she doesn't want either outcome but her own.

Hitomi would _not_ stay in the palace anymore.

The reason they were standing on opposite sides of the room was to prevent such a break down of argument. It seemed Van did not want to give in on the matter either. Little did he know, was that Hitomi was standing as far away from him in order to keep herself under control. The need to touch him was so strong the only way to win the fight was to stay far away from him.

If he knew this, he'd use it to his advantage.

As it was, the glare that only served to make him look more handsome showed he had no idea the weakness she had when it came to him, and she was fine to keep it that.

"You're being irrational, Hitomi."

Or perhaps he was on the other side of the room because of memories. Memories of numerous times getting smacked, hard, across the face by an angry Hitomi.

She was certainly angry now. Or just simply frustrated. She wasn't quite sure.

"I'm _not _being irrational! I'm being perfectly rational! You just don't see it."

"Where will you live?" His voice rose a moment before he remembered to keep it down. He seemed to not want to be overheard, but Hitomi didn't care at the moment.

"In the city." She motioned with her head to the window. The capital of Fanalia stretched out past the palace. Lined the valley walls and grew into fields of yearly crop and the forest that housed the dragons. This was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen and always would be. "I already found a place."

He definitely looked put out at that comment, and Hitomi thought for a venomous moment that he merely wanted her to stay in the castle for easy access, but on further scrutiny realized it wasn't the case.

When he spoke next, his voice was hollow. "Where?"

She held her breath a moment, feeling the tears come again, but she pushed them back. Her eyes were starting to sting. "On the other side of town. I won't tell you where until I'm moved in." Because she knew he would try to do interfere in some way.

He looked suddenly angry again. Like the old, stubborn Van. The one she fell in love with. "What? Just _tell _me. I can help you move in."

"No." She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "No. I'm perfectly capable of doing it on my own. I'm not some fragile toy, or..." She fought for something to say, "Or a rich princess..." she couldn't stop herself, and the next words were out before she knew what was happening. "Like your wife."

She knew she'd said something wrong right away. She watched, with apprehension as Van shifted, a look she couldn't quite describe washing over his face before he crossed the distance between them in a few quick strides. She felt herself shrinking away, even though she knew he would never hit her, and was shocked as her back pressed into the wall.

He stopped just short of her, and she suddenly noticed how much taller he'd gotten than her. "I am very aware she isn't you, Hitomi." A hand was brought up. Smacked against the wall just beside her shoulder. She didn't jump, or move, only stared up at him. Her emerald eyes wide. "And she doesn't deserve to be mistreated or spoken ill of-"

"What are _you_ doing than?! You're mistreating her every time you're with me."

He froze. One second. Two Seconds. She felt her heart hammering against her chest. It felt like sand was coating her throat and mouth.

When he did speak, it was slow and calculating, his eyes bearing into hers with such intensity that she felt out of breath. "Do you not want me to be with you?"

Oh god. "I didn't say that!" She felt finally able to move. Lifting her arms, she brought her hands against his chest and gently pushed him away. "I want to be with you..." She trailed off, and watched his feet as he took a few steps backwards, giving her space. Even being this close to him was intoxicating. "Always."

"Stay at the castle than."

She sighed, suddenly feeling very exhausted and looked at up him again. He was watching her with a decidedly blank look on his face. His eyes were the only thing that gave him away most of the time. "I can't stay here Van... I want to. Really." She looked around the guest room he'd prepared for her here. She'd been back on Gaea for a month now, but the place still looked as if she didn't live here.

No place would feel like home to her unless he were there, and she knew that wasn't a possibility.

"I love you."

She returned her attention to his face again, always a little shocked to hear someone say those three words with as much truth and power behind them as Van always managed. She felt herself smile.

"I know. But sometimes that isn't enough."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why did I buy this?" Hitomi muttered the question to herself, staring at her reflection and watching her nose scrunch up in self-confusion. Really... sometimes she had no idea why she did things, and buying the necklace Van's wife had suggested she buy was one of those things.

The necklace, made of pretty blue and green stones lay layered across her breast bone and collar and she sighed as she reached back to undue the clasp.

After the queen had excused herself and wandered back to the castle, Hitomi had double backed down the way they came and was not only relieved the necklace was still there, but also happy to buy it. Why? She couldn't quite understand it herself.

Just like how she couldn't understand why she didn't hate Van's wife. Soriyah. A beautiful name for a queen, and one that suited her. She remembered repeating the name to herself when alone to her grief after the meeting. She'd hated the name than, but loved it now. Soriyah Olivia DuRess de Fanel.

She couldn't help but like the women the name came with. Perhaps her actually _liking _Van's wife was making this relationship even stranger. Even more unhealthy and exhausting.

She set the necklace in front of the mirror before her just as someone knocked at the door. A knock she recognized right away and was both happy and annoyed at the visit.

"Come in." She stood, brushing off invisible dirt from the beautiful dress she'd finally decided to try on. It looked too wonderful to let it lie on the chair forever. However, she was embarrassed now -- as Celena and Merle entered -- to be caught playing dress up in her room.

As soon as the girl's stepped in they started cooing and surrounded Hitomi.

"It looks even more amazing on!" Celena, who was in the capital of Fanalia and living in Merle's quarters was there to train as a lady in waiting or something of the sort. Hitomi didn't quite understand the situation, and didn't get why Celena didn't do whatever it was she was doing in Asturia. The only assumption she could make was that it was warmer in Fanalia.

"It does look amazing, Hitomi." Merle was running her hand down one side of the dress, obviously amazed the softness of the material. "You'll need to wear to the castle soon so that Van can see it."

"Or," Celena had a rather cheeky look on her face that Hitomi didn't much like. "you can wear it when he comes to visit you. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Merle spoke up, and Hitomi didn't like the look on her face either. "What would be the point. It wouldn't be on her for more than a few seconds."

"Merle!" She felt herself blush. Her ears heating up as she moved to tug at the young women's tail. However, cats are too quick.

"I'm only stating the obvious."

"You don't need to do it so crudely..." Because she couldn't come up with an excuse or better comeback.

Merle shrugged, a catlike grin stretched across her face as she bounded over to the chair the dress was previously draped in and took a seat. Celena sat on the edge of her bed.

Sighing, and realizing they would be here for a while, Hitomi moved over towards the tea she had set up to steep in the corner. "All right... what brings you two here?"

"An intervention." Merle was leering at her over the top of the chair, and Hitomi scowled back.

"What?"

"We both think you should come back to the castle." Celena was swinging her legs back and forth in a childlike manner before she picked up Hitomi's sunglasses she left on the bed. Apparently she found them very interesting as she didn't speak again for a while.

"And you both know why I won't." She went to hand Merle a glass of tea but she shook her head 'no' and so did Celena. She took it for herself and went back to the vanity stool, spreading her skirts out around her, feeling embarrassed as she did so. She wished she could change.

"You _like _Soriyah though. I don't understand."

"It's because I like her that I won't stay."

Merle pouted and Hitomi watched her tail flick up in a manner that showed her annoyance. Very catlike.

"But you love him?"

"Of course I do. As I've already told you many, many times now." She spoke to Merle during these times as if she were a small girl. The look on the cat woman's face at the moment only helped to back that up.

"Van gets so depressed when he's stuck in the castle all day without you. Doesn't he Celena?" Celena nods. "I don't like seeing Lord Van sad."

"Neither do I. But it can't be helped. Besides, someone might find out sooner or later."

Merle fell silent and watched Celena put the sunglasses over her eyes. Her tail flicked again.

Hitomi took another sip of tea.

"Soriyah's had another miscarriage."

Hitomi turned her attention from the carpet to Merle immediately. "What?" She hadn't been aware there were ones prior. She knew they must be trying for a baby, but never gave it much thought. A son, preferably, she guessed. She felt suddenly very, very sad and strange as she set her tea away on the vanity. "Is she all right?"

"She's on bed rest. She's very depressed about it though, and blaming it on herself."

Hitomi nodded numbly. "And... Van?"

Merle shrugged. "Honestly, I have no clue. He doesn't ever talk about things like that. But I can tell he's sad about it." She suddenly looked angry. "And the council is saying that he needs a son soon."

Hitomi looked up from her hands to find that both girls were staring at her. "What? I couldn't give him a legitimate son. One that I give him wouldn't be made King ever. You know that, Merle."

"It would be if he married you."

"He's already married. I wouldn't want to do that to Soriyah."

Merle visibly sighed. Her whole body shrinking rather dramatically. "You're too nice sometimes, Hitomi."

She chuckled before they all fell silent once more.

"Perhaps I should just go back to Earth."

Merle was out of her chair in an instant. "Don't even think about it! Van needs you here!"

She was about to protest. Had even managed to school her features into a glare at the cat women before she let it slip away, knowing her comment had every ounce of truth to it. She also knew that if she were to try and go back, a moment of selfish reasoning would keep her there on Gaea. In Fanalia. With Van.

She knew she needed him too.

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A/N: wooooo..one spare moment to sit down and write and I'm done a whole chapter! Yes! I think the next chapter may be the last one, but we shall see :)

Hope you liked it

P.S. I know I'm terrible with verb tenses and all that jazz. Just...ignore it if possible ;)


	4. Forgiveness

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: OI! I forgot about something. I can't put the direct link in for some reason TT-TT so you have to go to my deviantart site at aurora-sakura. and find it. It's called "come out of the rain V.2" in my gallery i drew it before writing this story. Someone told me to write a fanfic for it, so this is it :)

On to the next chapter, and not the last because I just thought of something to add! Yeah me!

Chapter 4

She can't find Van anywhere, and wondered why she didn't send some sort of message ahead before visiting. Possibly because the thought of sending a letter to forewarn the one you love of a visit isn't something she wants to do.

But now she feels like an idiot, wandering around the hallways made of dark, shiny wood and passed every once in a while by a maid or other palace worker that recognizes her and makes a hasty bow which she unthinkingly returns. She's worn the dress he bought for her, intent of showing it off to someone besides Merle, Celena and the old women who runs the inn she lives in. The palace seemed the perfect place to wear it, but she felt awkward walking from the inn to visit Van. She got many strange looks, none unpleasant, but she wasn't used to such attention.

Sighing, she made to turn around and trace her steps back to Van's room, not realizing how large the palace of Fanalia was until now and finding it surprising that she didn't have full bearings yet. Of course, she didn't live here anymore though.

Making a left turn she started down the hallways she hoped would take her to Van's private quarters when the sound of a door sliding open -- the castle was rebuilt in the same style it was when she'd first come to Gaea. Doors on tracts, made of wood and paper for common quarters and heavy wood doors, polished like the floors, for the private rooms.

She would have kept going and not have turned around if it weren't for someone speaking to her.

"Lady Hitomi?"

She turned, a bit thrown off, as always, from the formal use of her name and found herself face to face with the queen of Fanalia, smiling faintly at her. One of her maids was just behind her, dressed almost as finely as she was, and a young woman whom Hitomi had met briefly and who worked in the castle stood behind the maid. "Your Majesty." She bowed, thinking it might be the proper thing to do inside the castle.

As she did so, she caught a small motion made the woman. A smooth motion that wouldn't have been significant in anyway if Merle hadn't told her about the miscarriage. A slender, tanned hand resting briefly on a flat stomach before she lowered it just as quickly.

Hitomi stood straight the queens insistence and shifted from foot to foot, feeling a little bit nervous at the situation. The young woman who worked at the palace was looking on with curiosity until Hitomi caught her eye. She returned to whatever it was she was doing. Pouring hot water into a basin along with a small amount of herbs from a cup. No doubt a relief soak of some sort.

"I don't mean to bother you, I was just-"

"Looking for Van?" Soriyah smiled. A real smile. Not the normal smile a wife would give her husbands mistress. "He's looking into something near the river. I believe it's something about a drainage problem."

"Oh..."

More silence and Hitomi realizes that Soriyah is just... looking at her. Smiling.

She suddenly motions for Hitomi to enter the room. "I was just about to soak my feet. You walked all the way from the Inn? You can soak yours as well. Arianna makes very soothing baths." She turned and smiled at the young girl who flushed a pleasant pink before ducking her head and standing, apparently done reading the water.

"It's not necessary." She felt herself blushing, and realized that this woman just had that effect on people.

"I insist. I wouldn't be a proper hostess as if I did not give my husband's guests the proper hospitality." She motioned her inside once more and this time Hitomi followed. Soriyah's maid shut the door behind them. "Of course, you are my guest as well. I've always heard such great stories about you from the war."

Her maid helped her remove the top layer of her robe and she sat on a cushion in front of the large basin, dipping her slender, small feet into the water before sighing like a child and smiling over her shoulder at Hitomi. "Come, sit."

And Hitomi did, and couldn't help but wonder at the feeling of contentment she felt as her own feet met with the delightfully warm water in the stone basin, and her backside on the silk cushions laid all around the room, her present from Van hiked up past her knees and pooling around her in a puddle of expensive cloth.

Their feet nearly touched underwater, and Hitomi suddenly felt herself giggle as she smiled across the space at the queen.

"Feels nice?"

"Yeah." She moved her feet around a little, marveling, not at the feeling of water against her legs and feet, but the feeling of being in this woman's presence. She'd never met someone who had such a feeling of... pureness to them before.

For a moment, she felt she could forget all her sins.

"Van has surely told you about my problem?"

She looked up in surprise at the other woman. Her face has transformed from it's calm smile to a calculating, regretful look that shook Hitomi to the core. She had to swallow before she could speak. The woman had such deep, brown eyes. "I heard, but it wasn't from Van."

She sighed. "Ah... I suppose everyone knows."

Her maid came over and handed her a wet cloth which Soriyah immediately set on the back of her neck with a smile of thanks. She let out a small sigh and visibly slumped for just a moment before sitting perfectly straight again. It reminded Hitomi that this woman was perfectly human.

"I would give anything to Van, and the one thing he needs, I can't give to him."

She felt the need to take all Soriyah's pain away. "I'm sure he still cares for you." And she was sure he did. Just... not in the same way he cared for her.

"Perhaps..." She pursed her lips a moment, as if thinking before that slow, beautiful smile crept onto her face again. "He is so kind. I'm glad my father chose him."

"Did you... have anyone else? I mean..." She blushed. "Were you ever in love before?"

Here her smile took on a shy undertone. A current just below the surface. "Maybe. I was young. Love is difficult to understand."

Hitomi smiled. She couldn't help it. "I think so too."

"But..." Here Soriyah looked directly at Hitomi. Her brown, expressive eyes met her emerald and she did not look away. Hitomi did not look away. "I am fine loving someone who does not love me in return. I know he will look after me, and love me in his own way. Even if it is not the way I want, I'm still happy. I know he is happy too."

Hitomi did not speak. Could not speak. Her thoughts were racing as she stared at Soriyah, this beautiful queen who was willing to give up everything for the sake of another.

She knew. Soriyah knew all along about the two of them. She knew her husband loved another, yet, she was still so kind to Hitomi. Even now she was smiling gently at the women she knew was her rival, and Hitomi just liked her more.

No wonder she could never hate her.

"I am not meant to be with him. The gods did not make it so." She looked up towards a ceiling a brief moment and Hitomi followed her eyes unconsciously. Beams holding up the entire castle. The woman carrying the burden of everything on her shoulders unraveling with such a beautiful moment.

They both looked down at each other once more. Both smiling, as Soriyah reached across the distance and placed both her hands over the back of Hitomi's. "Let's hope the gods allow for adoption." She chuckled, Hitomi feeling nothing more than happiness as she laughed right along with the other woman.

She suddenly felt lighter.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (A/N: memory time :P)

"Have you ever worried, when we were apart, that you would not love me after it all."

He looked across the bath at her. Across the expanse of bubbles -- she'd brought as a necessity from Earth -- and scented oils. Through the glow of the candles lit along the side of the tub and around the room. She'd thought the whole thing a little much at the time, but now found it hopelessly romantic and enjoyable.

Their shadows jumped around the small bathroom Van had joined to his room. The thought of being caught at any moment only seemed to thrill her. Besides, this had been the only plausible place for this. The inn was out of the question. Surely someone would talk. It would be all over the capital by the end of the week.

"What do you mean?" He'd narrowed his eyes, as if she'd insulted him in some way and she sighed, stretching out her legs so that they slid along his under the water and against his hips. A tangle of limbs.

"I mean..." She crept closer to him and he stiffened momentarily making her halt in her actions, deciding to remain in the middle of the tub instead of creeping closer to him. This was his first time bathing with anyone but himself, he'd admitted in a moment of embarrassment before he'd stripped out of clothes along with her. She'd only replied dryly that it didn't surprise her. "I mean, Van... did you ever worry that if I ever came back, we'd be to different from during the war. Like... our memories were the only thing keeping us together?"

He furrowed his dark brows for a moment in deep, concentrated thought and she couldn't help but grin across the bubbles at him. When he took too long to respond she playfully blew bubbles at him, lowering her head to blow down a tower of white foam. The caught in the air a moment, and she watched as some meshed into his dark mop of hair, matted down from the water. "You're taking too long. I'll take that as a bad sign."

She stuck her tongue out, feeling suddenly childish and free as she slid back against the other side of the tub.

Or tried to really. He'd grasped her arms and pulled her close so that she now sat between his legs, her side pressing into his pelvis, a shoulder resting against his chest. She twisted so she may look up at his face and found him, not smiling down at her like she was up at him, but watching her with that intense look of his. She loved that look.

"What?"

"I haven't answered your question yet. It's one that needs more than a quick thought."

"Why?" Still feeling rather playful, she leaned up enough so that she could kiss a line across his lower jaw and playfully nipped at his neck, tasting soap. "You're just trying to think of a delicate way to word it so you don't hurt my feelings."

He chuckled. She felt it rather than heard it and she kissed his neck again out of sheer joy.

"That's not it. I just never thought about it before."

"And your answer Mr. Fanel?"

He looked at her strangely a moment and she pretended not to notice, picking up mounds of bubbles and blowing them to the other side of the tub, snuggling against him in a less than innocent way just to see what he would do.

She didn't know how she became like this, even though she'd dreamed of doing stuff like this with Van before. It was hard to image Van and herself as they used to be. When they'd hugged innocently before saying good-bye.

They'd been away from each other so long that Hitomi believed she may never see him again.

Look at them now...

"I didn't think about it before... because I guess I never thought it a possibility." He was still a moment, and she felt his arousal as he pulled her tighter to him, his hands sliding along her leg. Along her stomach and chest. She sighed in contentment and leaned into him as he lowered his head to her collar bone. She watched, as he nipped lightly at her collar, the bubbles cling to the ends of his hair reaching the water and she felt herself smile.

"Did you think you'd be married?"

"I thought I would marry you." It was such a strong statement that she was momentarily completely put off.

After a moment of thought she spoke. "Would you have been able to?"

He sighed. A breath through his nose in her ear. "I don't know."

Wanting to get off the subject, knowing it was pointless, she continued in a more playful tone. "Well, we don't want to get into the whole fate, destiny situation again. Things just happen..."

She couldn't help but think about her tarot cards. If she still used them she might have seen this coming.

"No." He shifted, seeming to want her to turn in his arms but she didn't want to. Not yet.

"Van?"

"Yes?" His voice was more breathy suddenly. More needy.

"Are you still happy?"

"You said it yourself. We couldn't have changed anything. Things just happen."

She smiled, but couldn't help but wonder what would have changed if she had stayed all along.

People might be hurt less.

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A/N: man! I'm just popping them out like crazy!! I have absolutely no life apparently. -laughs- I just meant to start this chapter before I forget what I was going to write about and look! I finished! Amazing!

-laughs-

hope you all like it!


	5. Anger and Frustration equal:

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: Oh god! I've become so attached to this. This won't be the last chapter either I don't think TT-TT

thanks to jossi-31 for the correspondence through messages. You really helped with this chapter and made me realize some faults that need to be worked out. Thank you:hug:

there are no memories in this chapter, as I couldn't think of one that would suite everything.

Chapter 5

She sits on her bed, looking down at the street below, watching as a young woman paces back and forth from the door of the inn to the alley a few shops down, a bundle of dried flowers in her arms. Hitomi makes a mental note to go down there before the girl leaves to buy some as she pressed her forehead against the glass, warm still from the afternoon sun.

Hitomi figures the young girl kind of looks like Soriyah, only dressed in clothes that showed her lack of money. Hitomi worries that Gaea will reach the same point that the Earth is someday, and hopes with all her might that it won't happen in her lifetime, or the during the lives of her children if she were to ever have any. She is reminded of Soriyah's miscarriage.

Her encounter with the young queen earlier opened her eyes to things, and she suddenly feels more than a little selfish for her actions, feeling no better than she did when playing god with her tarot cards years ago. She should just return to Earth. Look after her brother. Finish school. Get a job.

Get away from this entire mess.

So what if she didn't love again. The love she'd shared with Van could satisfy her for a lifetime, and since she knew she could never forget him, she could at least relish in the thought that he was once hers. However, she would never enjoy relishing in the thought that she stole him from someone else who loves him just as badly.

Biting her lip, she tucks her knees up to her chest and leaned more into the window in order to see further into the street. All of the shops in this part of the city have small living areas over top them. She can see where a woman has hung her laundry outside her window further down, and directly across from her an old man draws the curtains back so that him and his family may watch the stars come out while they eat supper. The stars are another thing she loves about Gaea. She can see them.

Her attention drifts from the buildings further up the street to the palace that stands over the city. It's bigger than the last palace, and Hitomi had been happy to hear it had only grown from a few private quarters to the magnificent building it is today _after_ the rest of the city had been completed. Typical Van, looking out for his people before himself. she couldn't help but smile at the thought, resting her cheek against her knees as she continued to study the building. Made of wood and stone combined it was certainly beautiful and practical. That giant tree still grew on the cliff above it.

She couldn't help but long to be part of that palace. Van was there.

'Or, maybe not...'

Her attention instantly drifted to the street below as several people had suddenly hoarded around someone before backing away to respectable distance, not returning to whatever they were doing until after the black haired young man had entered the inn.

Hitomi held her breath as she watched Van enter into the building below her window, frustrated and annoyed but still just as happy to see him.

There was a knock at her door a few minutes later before it opened without her invitation. He stuck his head around before entering, and she noticed he was dressed in rather dirty pants and an old looking shirt. He must not have changed after wandering around the river all day.

She didn't give him a chance to speak. "What are you doing here?" She stood from her spot on the window sill and crossed her arms over her chest. A normal stance now for when she was going up against him in any matters.

He opened his mouth to interject something but she cut him off. "Do you _want_ to start a scandal?"

He smiled wryly, and his eyes narrowed, a clear sign that he was fast getting annoyed, and with his stubborn nature, it wasn't very hard to set him off. "You sound like Ramuel."

An old man on his council whom Hitomi disliked most of all.

Outraged, Hitomi opened her mouth to kick him out, feeling the old frustration with her traveling companion from the war return in full force as she glared him down. It was around these times she would normally slap him, but she felt she might be safer from his undeniably wonderful aura if she stayed where she was.

Van, however, seemed suddenly completely unmoved by her anger and crossed the room to place something on the bed.

Distracted, she turned her attention on it.

A small, elegantly decorated comb lay there on her comforter, half wrapped in some silky looking fabric.

"Is that another bribery gift?" She refused to move, no matter how curious she was to look at it more closely.

"No." He straightened, looked her squarely in the face. His face was blank. "It's from Soriyah."

She froze before her mouth formed a small "oh" of realization, but she still did not move.

"She told me you came to the palace looking for me." Here his gaze became questioning rather than intent and he looked her up a down before smiling. "The dress looks beautiful on you."

She huffed and threw her arms up in a childish way before plopping herself back on the bed near the window once more. "I don't know why I went." She felt herself flushing.

He was silent, and remained standing near the other side of the bed. She could feel his eyes on her, but she refused to meet them. "She told me you two had a pleasant visit."

"She knows about us." She wanted to get it out in the open right away, and found she was suddenly biting her thumb nail. She looked tentatively up at him, and was surprised to find he didn't look at all thrown off by the news.

"I know."

"You know?" She stood quickly from the bed and moved around to his side. "For how long?"

"Since I told her."

She couldn't speak. She couldn't breath.

It turns out Van was a better human being than herself. "When?"

"A few days after we first slept together. She asked if it would continue, and I told her that I'm in love with you."

Once again, Hitomi was speechless. "Van..."

"She likes you. She told me so."

Hitomi shook her head, as if she would not except the information. This was all wrong. The poor woman should hate her. Not be as nice as she was being. Offering to share an aromatic foot bath with her. The entire thing was insane.

But she didn't hate Soriyah either.

Pressing a hand to her forehead she stared intently down at the comb on her bed. "This is all off."

Van chuckled. Actually _chuckled_, and she looked up at him in shock.

"Hitomi. I will look after her as best I can, as her husband." He smiled, slowly. "I want to look after you the same way, only you're a little more stubborn than she is."

Here comes the slap.

He took a step back from the impact, more from shock than the force of it and Hitomi instantly felt guilty as he stared across the room rather than at her. His cheek went from white to red in a matter of seconds.

But her anger wouldn't let her apologies for anything. "You arrogant..." She fought for words. "asshole! We're not your toys."

He sighed. A sad sigh, but Hitomi was to enraged to pay attention. Conflicted with both anger and sadness, and the need to get away before doing anything else to hurt him... she ran.

She got the door open and was out of the room before he caught up to her. She hadn't even heard him coming before his arms were around and her she was pinned to a wall, his face just inches from her. Both were breathing deeply.

"You know what I mean, Hitomi! You know what I meant to say!"

She did. She just didn't want to hear it.

"I need you with me. I need to be with you."

She stared up at him. Hopelessly out of words. Hopefully confused. Hopefully lost in every aspect of her life.

All she knew was that she needed to be with him too.

"I- I can't do this right now." She quietly pried his hands from her, and watched as callused fingers drifted from her shoulders down to her fingers before hesitantly letting go.

Gods, she loved him.

"Hitomi..."

"I don't want to hurt anyone, but there is no way out of this without doing that." She took a deep shaking breath, and felt, to her horror, that she may cry. "I love you... but... please don't."

He looked confused.

She wanted to kiss him. Bring him back into her room and hold him close to her. She wanted to hear all his words of comfort and hear all the sweet nothings he could come up with. She wanted to make love to him over and over. She wanted to be with him without feeling guilty, like on the first night, before she really got to know Soriyah.

"Please... don't follow me."

Without another look back, she inched around him and hurried the rest of the way down the hall and hurled herself down the stairwell and out the doors of inn without a real destination in mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How she'd ended up here she had no idea, but here she stood, still wearing that elegant dress and without any bags. She wondered why she even thought she would go further than this without any money or belongings.

Funny how she runs away only to end up closer to Van than she was at the inn.

She was getting ready to turn away from the small door, having been staring at the ivy type plant growing on either side of the cottage door for quite some time. The cottage itself was rather large, as it housed many women, and the location was wonderful. Set at the base of the cliff that hovered over the palace. Right inside the palace's garden.

This was stupid. Surely this would be the first place Van would think to look if he decided he wouldn't listen to her wishes and follow her.

He probably would.

'Stubborn idiot...' She thought to herself, not sure whether she meant Van or herself, as she finally gathered enough nerve to knock on the solid wood door before her, taking a step back so as not to crowd the doorway.

There was complete silence a moment before the door unlatched and a young girl with braids stuck her head through the opening. She was tanned, just like a good portion of the residents here in Fanalia. Or possibly she had been one of the girls to come and make permanent residence here as the queen's entourage?

"Lady Hitomi." She quickly, realizing who was standing on the front step, stepped back and opened the door fully, gesturing for her to come in. Her dark eyes were wide with either surprise or something else.

"Is- Is Lady Merle or Celena here?"

"They both are. Can get them for you?"

Hitomi smiled and shook her head. "Can I come in and see them?"

She nodded, her braids sliding over her bare shoulders before she motioned shyly for Hitomi to follow her through the homely cottage.

She wouldn't mind staying here for a bit. If she were allowed.

As they walked past an open window, she halted as her attention drifted up towards the sky. She felt rather than saw the young girl hesitate at a doorway, but she didn't look around.

A figure with shocking white wings was flying over the garden and had disappeared past a wing of the castle. Out of view. Out of touch.

She felt her heart may break all over again, and for the hundredth time wandered why she stayed.

The only reason wasn't much of a reasonable one, and she figured it never would be anymore.

_Because she loved him._

_--------------------------------------------------------_

_A/N: _argh. This is crap. I'm so lost with this story. -laughs- Now what I have I done! I don't even know how to turn this into a happy ever after. It will just have to be melancholy. You'll have to deal with it. :)

Final chapter may be next. Not too sure...


	6. Absolution

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: This won't even be the last chapter :P Unless it becomes a really long one. -sigh- we shall see.

P.S. I'm writing this in my college cafeteria... just so you all know. -laughs- thought it might be important considering people are very loud in here and it's difficult to write with these stella girls sitting right behind me talking like "omg I know!" and saying "like" every few damn seconds. I should bitch them out... As a second year I should have some liberties over firsties. -laughs evilly-

...not going to happen. They're taller than me.

Chapter 6

Her stomach hurts and she has a splitting headache and blames it on her nervousness and unbelievable sadness as she climbs up the hill behind the castle, taking the winding steps built into the cliff-side to the sanctuary up at the top. She presses her hands against her side trying to still the cramps and groans as she pauses a moment to look behind her, letting her bag drop to the steps at her feet. It's early morning, and the capital seems to be just waking up. She sees the farmers in the distance however, and knows they'd been up since the sun rose, readying their crops for harvest season. The weather had cooled some.

The sting of tears is there, as it has been all morning and she blinks them back, angry with herself as they blur her vision until she rubs them away with the back of her hand.

She'd left a note for him. He would know that nothing bad had happened to her.

She was simply going home.

Merle and Celena had taken her in with open arms, despite their obvious opinions in the matter. They still firmly believed with woman's fancy that her and Van could still live happily-ever-after despite the presence of Soriyah. As she lived with them for weeks she realized they were hopeless romantics, and despite the fact Hitomi found this funny, she was also highly annoyed with this finding as they pushed such thoughts on her all the time.

She wouldn't let herself believe their words of comfort. She wouldn't let herself be swept away in little scenarios planned out in her head. Could not daydream of the possibility of happiness awaiting when she knew that it wasn't exactly possible that way.

She supposed she'd just grown up in that respect.

Gone were the days she waited with anticipation to talk to Amano or get her first kiss. Gone were the days she wished to be Allen's only and was able to get swept up in the idea of her shining knight. Gone were the days she thought of returning to Gaea to marry Van, become his queen and have many children, thinking that if she had a girl she would name her Varie after Van's mother.

She bit her lip and hauled her bag back up onto her shoulder, packed with some of the dresses she'd gotten here, not wanting to part with them because they reminded her of Van. She'd packed the comb that Soriyah gave her, still wrapped in it's silky, fine fabric and had packed the dress that Van had given her out of guilt.

Hitomi was dressed now in the clothes she'd arrived in. A jean skirt and t-shirt that reminded her of her arrival. Van had seen the beam of light and had raced out to greet her in the fields just outside of the capital.

She'd been so happy and had shyly threw her arms around him in greeting, whispering how much she missed him into his ear while he simply tightened his grip around her waist.

Of course she'd been heartbroken to come to the castle and find out how naive she could be. To think that Van could remain hers, even if she left and decided to come back on her own accord years later.

She bit her lip and continued up the stairway, reaching the top after a few agonizing minutes of pressure in her head as hot wind rushed against her aching temples.

Escaflowne. Here in the clearing. The bottom half plagued with greens and browns of mosses, growing like a decease along the large mechanical being's legs and lower torso. She had originally been surprised that Van didn't take care of the machine better, but he'd told her that he wanted it to serve as a monument here.

'Besides', he'd told her, 'I don't want to ever have to use it again. Covered in moss and hidden from everything, nobody will be able to use it either.'

She didn't point out the fact that with the unstable government in Zaibach and the growing tension between the Northern countries, another war was still a strong possibility if past history on Earth taught her anything.

Right beside the metal humanoid weapon was a medium sized monument of stone, dedicated to those who had lost their lives in the war and before. Van's parents. Balgus. Folken and the cat-twins. Most people that Van was ever too near to he had lost, and Hitomi suddenly realized that he had just about the worse of luck and she was about to add to this string of terrible events in his life.

No wonder people thought his wings were cursed.

Setting her bag down in front of the monument, in front of a black iron gate just a little bit higher than her knees, she leaned down to open her bag and extracted a glass box with a flower inside. A beautiful white flower that she found symbolized Van and the innocence she'd lost within herself the moment she came back.

A present in memories of all lost in the past, and all that was about to lost in this moment.

She placed it on the other side of the iron gate, at the base of the monument, feeling as she did so, another blast of warm air that picked up her honey colored hair and made it dance across her face. She closed her eyes and lifted her face into the warmth, relishing in the wonderful smells of his country.

She felt the tears come again, this time in a horrible rush she had no control over and she sunk the ground in a desperate attempt to find some sort of root in everything, clasping the iron fence tightly in her hands, the coldness of the metal biting into her palms and the dirt and grass pressed into her knees. Her body wracked with the sobs she couldn't control, and the sounds of her cries seemed to echo through the whole clearing. She felt warm all over, and sore and wanted everything to end.

She waited for the beam of light to come and take her away from all of this. To take away all her pain. She prayed for it to take her away, and placed her hand where her pendent would normally be, her pendent that was around Van's neck.

It didn't come.

Instead, she felt two slender arms encircle her, crossing at her middle. Expensive bracelets decked her wrists that jingled together as she moved and her dark hair feel onto her shoulder as she continued to shake with the sobs. Familiar perfume and the familiar sound of her voice made the moment seem somehow surreal and she held the sobs back a moment while the woman whispered in her ear. "Don't go. Please."

Feeling disorientated, she twisted so that she could see the queen properly, noticing upon doing so, and with shock, that the beautiful woman had tears in her eyes as well. Building up at the edge of those wide, expression filled eyes that right now show such sadness that she'd never seen.

Hitomi couldn't stop the tears, and spoke through gasps, her voice coming out in hard to understand shudders. "I'm leaving so you can be happy."

"Don't. Please. You don't understand."

She felt her head start to pound again. "What don't I understand? I didn't know you knew. I'm sorry I hurt you." Her back pressed against the cold metal of the small fence. "I'm leaving so that nobody gets hurt."

"You don't understand." The tears broke away now, running down her tanned face without resistance. "You'd be hurting people more if you leave. Van will hurt. I will hurt."

She didn't understand, Soriyah was right on that point. "You should hate me."

Soriyah, previously crouched down, went to her knees completely, and Hitomi wondered how much the dress she was wearing cost her, as the fine fabrics might be destroyed from the dirt. She found she cared for this woman. This woman who seemed to care more about others happiness than her own.

"I knew that Van would never love me when I married him. I took the risk. I am happy to be the queen of Fanalia. I am happy to be with Van. But I won't be happy until Van is happy and Van is happy with you."

Hitomi shook her head. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You are not." She edged closer to Hitomi, dragging her dress in the loose soil even more, one hand reaching for Hitomi's while the other steadied her in the grass. "I like your company."

She smiled through the tears reflected in her deep brown eyes and Hitomi could only look on in confusion.

"Van is sad that you have not visited him in a long while. I advised him to come to you, but he refused. He said you told him not to follow you."

Hitomi nodded, not knowing what else to do.

"You are living closer to the castle than before? With Merle and Lady Celena?"

Another nod.

"You want to be closer to Van, but you do not even notice." She smiled brighter this time, and she was so close that Hitomi could make out a splashing of freckles, probably formed from the sun, along her nose and cheeks. "I know what that is like. To be close to him." She shifted closer and Hitomi held her breath, pressing closer into the gate at her back. Her stomach hurt.

"I know that you both want me to stay... but..."

"You are doing it for selfish reasons too?" Hitomi frowned. "Don't get me wrong, please Lady Hitomi. I know you suffer from this all too, and I wish you didn't. You stayed when I would have left."

They both seemed frozen, suspended in this strange moment that Hitomi couldn't seem to comprehend. She was caught between complete adoration for this woman and pain at not having left when she had the chance.

She knew she couldn't possibly leave now.

"You are a wonderful person. I want to be around you, just like Van."

Hitomi blinked in confusion before furrowing her brows at the comment.

Even more confused when Soriyah started to lean towards her and startled when the other woman placed a gentle, if not shocking, kiss straight on her lips. With another woman's lips on her, strangely all Hitomi could think of was how dark and long the other woman's eyelashes were and how different this day turned out to be.

What was happening? This was all so complicated and confusing. More than it should be.

When Soriyah pulled away, after not too long, she was flushed a bright, wonderful pink through her tan, but had a look on her face that was both confidence and embarrassed. "Do you understand."

She was compelled to tell the truth. "Not really..."

And Soriyah laughed, a clear beautiful laugh that reverberate through the clearing just as Hitomi's sobs had done earlier. "I see why Van loves you so much. Please stay and make him happy?"

"Uh..." She didn't want to ask the obvious question. Afraid that she may offend the queen. Perhaps this was just how they did things in whatever country she came from? "I-I'll stay."

She sat back and placed her hands together in both delight and something like prayer, grinning from ear to ear. "And will you live in the palace?" Her excitement was a little overwhelming for Hitomi, considering she'd been recently so set on leaving Gaea and had recently been kissed by her love's wife...

"I could..."

The young queen reached forward and took both Hitomi's hands in hers. "Thank you." She suddenly realized just how strange this woman was and suddenly felt like laughing.

So she did. And Soriyah joined in, oblivious to what Hitomi was thinking, simply enjoying the moment like a small child.

What the hell had just happened?

She was laughing so hard that tears came to her eyes. Doubled over with it. Once she could control herself, she reached into her bag and extracted a plastic, bead bracelet that her little brother had found for her before she left. Smiling shyly she handed it to the still giggling queen. An offering of peace.

"It's not as nice as the comb you gave me... but it would mean a lot to me if you had this."

She took the bracelet with something like amazement on her face and Hitomi couldn't help but grin in amusement at her enthusiasm over such small things. The bracelet was handled delicately in her hands as if made of glass as she slipped it onto one slender wrist and she examined it. It was seriously out of place with her expensive bracelets, and Hitomi didn't quite understand why the queen looked so amazed with it until she realized that they didn't have plastic on Gaea.

"Thank you!" She suddenly threw herself into Hitomi's arms, obviously feeling fine from the miscarriage and happily pulled the shorter girl towards her, Hitomi found her face pressed into sweet smelling, smooth hair and she laughed again.

She couldn't help but wonder how this day got so strange so quickly.

She could never hate this woman, and was happy to realize that that would never happen and wasn't an option.

Loosing Van wasn't an option anymore, she thought, as she secretly made a promise to Soriyah and to herself to stay as long as she could. As long as Van wanted. As long as Soriyah wanted.

Though she knew her guilt would never go away...

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A/N: this is my way of fixing things. O.o I don't know if she's a lesbian or bi or whatever. Probably not... she's just... innocent in a way thats hard to describe, the queen is. -shrugs- I hope this all doesn't seem too farfetched. I was kind of building her all along as this sort of character, so that there would be a possibility of Hitomi and Van staying together. I didn't want to go with the traditional "the queen is a bitch and is plotting against Van" idea where he finds out and the queen is no longer in the picture. Nor did I want Soriyah not in the picture in anyway. So... I made her lovable and childlike but at the same time grown in a way that is mature enough to handle the situation.

She is happy to stay with Van, and that is enough for her. She also loves Hitomi in a way that makes her want Hitomi near as well, and Hitomi can't help but care for her in return. :)

I think the last chapter will be next. :) A little surprise is coming up (or something that isn't so surprising...lol! )

Cheers!


	7. Detour

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: huhuhu! I'm done school!...for this term anyway. I have school again in January... and I still have an exam next Saturday for Chinese History, and a project to hand in for Creative Writing due next Wednesday. :P but besides that I'm done.

Hopefully I can party tonight. -woot-

Chapter 7

Following Soriyah's advice and askance for Hitomi to visit the castle, reaching past the garden for the first time in a few weeks, and of course, visiting Van, she gave in. Unable to deny Van's wishes anymore and unable to deny her own need to be in his presence, she felt it was high time to pay a visit to him, especially since she felt a little more invited in the matter than during prior visits.

The whole situation was still incredible strange to her, and she wasn't quite sure what was happening yet, unable to wrap Soriyah's bazaar ideas around her head as it was. She wondered briefly if the young queen has a bit of madness in her family, as she must be a little bit off her rocker to allow the whole thing to occur.

Hitomi knew that if she were in the same situation, the whole thing would be going completely different. She wondered if Soriyah's allowance of it was simply stemmed from her being a better human-being. Or simply did it stem from something completely different? Those thoughts only led to strange theories on the matter. Everything from a questioning of Soriyah's sexuality to a deep suspicion routed in conspiracy at the crown.

Either way, all she knew was to live life day by day. And today she'd planned on visiting Van.

That plan was drastically severed completely as she'd gotten prepared to leave towards the castle with Merle. She'd stood from her chair near the window, where she'd been perched while Merle had attempted to make her hair look presentable. She'd stood so quickly she got a huge bout of vertigo which promptly caused her to pass out for a few moments on the bedroom floor. When she woke up Celena was hovering over her while Merle rushed to ready cloth to put on her forehead.

They both said it seemed she had a fever, and when Celena offered her a bit of cheese and bread, Hitomi had suddenly started to vomit at the very smell of the strong cheese, and she felt sure she was poisoned or something.

Anyway, as she was bent over a chamber pot, wishing with all her might that she could feel better but at the same time wished to just die to end it all -- she was feeling rather dramatic -- Merle returned from the castle with a few of Soriyah's chamber maids who swept her off to bed immediately and began to do all sorts of weird tests on her.

She didn't realize what was going on, so disorientated and annoyed with people poking around her body, until one of the maids pleasantly informed her that she was pregnant, and upon leaving -- Hitomi was too shocked to say anything -- handed her something on parchment which Hitomi promptly placed on her bedside table.

And soon completely forgot about.

It wasn't until she was feeling a little bitter and had managed to stomach down some food that she made her way up to the palace, much to Merle and Celena's annoyance, who insisted she stay in bed as if she were months and months pregnant. Hitomi figured she must be a few months in already, and had been to caught up in the whole mess with Soriyah and Van that she hadn't noticed she was late.

She felt like such an idiot.

She felt even more an idiot when she realized the repercussions of this. Right when she'd come to some sort of understand -- as strange as it may be -- with Soriyah...

As she lay in bed with the chamber pot at her side if she need it, with Merle and Celena off somewhere else, Hitomi was left to her own thoughts all day, and none of which were very pleasant.

She contemplated keeping the information from Van, but figured it wouldn't stay secret for very long, and if he were to find out she'd rather he hear it from her. The ones that had attended her had been Soriyah's own nurse maids, the ones that tended to the queen during her brief pregnancies and took care of her during the miscarriages. The probably knew about the affair, and would tell Soriyah and Soriyah, considering certain things and the openness she seemed to have with Van, might tell him.

She bit her lip at the thought.

She wanted to be the one to tell him, despite what the outcome may be.

The outcome couldn't ever possibly be good, so she was feeling sick to her stomach from nervousness as she wondered slowly down the hallway leading to Van's room.

It wasn't very late, but when she arrived at his door and had pushed it open -- too nervous to even think to knock -- she found no candles lit in his room and could hardly make out anything around her. Squinting through the dark she picked her way through his room, past a pile of his clothes he'd left on the middle of the floor, around a chair that had been placed under the chandelier, probably so he could blow out the candles there before retreating to bed and around a water pitcher which nearly got knocked over as her toe bumped it.

As she got closer to his bed the moonlight from the double moons filtering through the windows allowed enough light to see by, and she was able to make out his outline on the bed.

He lay in the very center on his side, facing the window and his capital, one hand under his head, the other loosely across his hip. The blankets were only pulled up to his waist and she noticed he was shirtless, his dark chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm that showed he was sleeping.

She'd never thought of Van as much of a deep sleeper, but after coming to Gaea again, and since there was no war to worry about, she found that Van slept deep and long when able. Much to her happiness, he was also one of those quiet sleepers that did not snore or move around much.

She smiled adoringly at him through the darkness as she inched closer to the bed, her knees making contact with the soft fabric of his sheet and comforter as she leaned forward to get a good look at his face, illuminated by the light outside.

He looked so much younger asleep. His unruly hair falling into his face. His mouth partially open. Face relaxed, void of the normal, small tick between his eyebrows that was there during stressful days. Dark eyebrows not arched in any expression, and dark eyelashes that pressed lightly against tanned, unblemished cheeks.

She found herself hoping for a child that resembled him more than her.

She was about to turn and leave the room, not wanting to disturb him, but he stirred on his own accord, his legs sliding under the blankets into a different position, and the hand at his side buried itself in the front of his hair. The pendent, previously tucked away somewhere rolled into sight along the sheets at his side, a gold chain connecting it to his body. She realized the chain was thicker than when she gave it to him, and wondered if the last one had broke.

Grinning to herself, she slowly slid onto the bed beside him, not really sure if she was welcome there but _needing_ to be there.

The more time she spent with him, the more being in his presence felt like breathing. She needed to be with him like she needed oxygen, and she felt pathetic and horribly silly to think it. She wondered when she became this way. When did she start relying so much on Van? During the war? When they were apart? She knew she already relied on him upon her return, and wasn't quite sure where the love she had for him was altered into something much more crucial to her existence.

She gave up a life. An education. A family. All to be with Van. And she felt no guilt about it, only self loathing at herself for making such a huge mess out of things that could have been left the way they were.

She could have left Gaea long ago. She'd been here for months and months now. Each as agonizing as the last.

Yet... here she sat. At his side.

She felt tears sting her eyes, thinking about Soriyah's words. About her pregnancy. About Soriyah's miscarriages and about all three of them thinking so naively that they could live together. In a quiet utopia built on the base of love. A stupid thought.

Curling down onto the bed, she pressed herself into his back as she felt tears squeeze past eyes she'd slammed tight to prevent their escape. Her face pressed in between the smooth skin between his shoulder blades. Her forehead and nose pressed against broad muscles and the feel of his spin under all that. He was warm and just as comfortable as always, and at her touch he awoke and stirred again, a tired grumble escaping him in the form of her name.

She loved him even more. He knew it was her, not Soriyah, simply by her touch.

He turned towards her, staying encircled in her arms as she did not release him and did not wish to. She hoped he could not see the remains of tears as he tilted his head back onto the pillow and looked at her... simply... looked at her. She smiled. "Sorry to wake you up."

"Don't be sorry for it." He reached up a hand to brush some hair from her face after Hitomi shifted her arms down to her front, her hands pressed into his chest before sliding around his neck. "I missed you."

"Your wife kissed me yesterday."

His eyebrows shot up under his bangs, and he shifted his head up to get a better look at her face, smiling upon finding her smile. "Did she now?"

She realized he thought she was kidding. "It wasn't a very long kiss... nothing romantically inclined..." 'I don't think', "but I think it means we're ok? I think."

He seemed to realize she was telling the truth and was no frowning. Not in an angry way, just... in a confused manner. "That's a lot of 'I think'."

She shrugged. "While... she's quite weird actually. I don't really understand what's going on, but I think she wants me to stay with you."

"She told me that already." He was looking at her strangely now before he ducked his head and let his nose brush against the sensitive part of her neck, laying small kisses there. "She didn't tell me anything about a kiss though." So they did talk quite openly together. It made her feel slightly jealous, and wondered at why it didn't make her angry as well.

Hitomi closed her eyes a moment, relishing in the feel of his hot breath against her collar bone, and the feeling of his lips drifting across her skin before she was able to gather herself together and lightly push him away, a hand against his chest.

He looked at her in question before sliding away, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at her. "What is it?"

"I don't really understand what's going on. I mean... I don't think everything is perfectly fine. It may never be... but..." She took a deep breath, feeling suddenly like backing out and wondering if it wasn't too late to go to Asturia to live or something before she realized that would only make Van mad at her.

Especially when he found out about the baby.

"Hitomi?"

She didn't realize she'd been staring at him saying nothing until he spoke, brushing hair from her eyes.

"I'm pregnant."

He stopped in the motion of tucking hair behind her ear, only for a second, but it was an obvious pause and she felt suddenly horrible, but thankful he didn't stop all together, thinking that might be a worse sign.

"When did you find out?" His voice was quiet. Not angry. So she took that as a sign to answer.

"Today actually... I must be a few months in. I sort of blacked out in the cottage earlier and then got sick." She wrinkled her nose at the memory of her supper from the night before scratching up her throat. "I wanted to tell you before you heard it from somewhere else." Then she quickly added, "I realize this is really bad, I-"

He cut her off with a hand to her mouth as oppose to a kiss like she'd seen in movies and read about. The hand seemed much more real, and much more Van than she could handle and she suddenly felt tears come to her eyes. Upon noticing this, Van quickly removed his hand. "Please don't cry, Hitomi."

"I've wrecked everything." She felt horribly stupid now.

"Last time I've checked it takes two to make a baby." A sardonic smile came to his face and she felt she would slap him if she weren't so confused.

"Van!" She sat up, causing him to move aside quickly as she glared down at him. "This isn't a joke!" She sat back a little. "What are we going to do?"

He propped himself back up on his elbows, and Hitomi found -- despite the situation -- it quite attractive. "What do you mean, what are we going to do?"

"I mean, Van," she bit his name out, "what are we going to do about the fact your mistress is pregnant."

His smile disappeared and she thought it was because he'd come to realize the situation, when it fact it was for something completely different. "Don't call yourself that."

She made a sound of disgust. "It's what I am."

He sat up completely now. _"Don't call yourself that."_

She bit her lip to keep herself from saying something else.

"If I had any choice in the matter I would be with you in a second."

She felt herself flush. Not at the words, but at the way he said it. She loved the way he said things like that to her. With so much power and so much truth behind them.

...Like when he told her he loved her for the first time.

They'd been out in the garden together. He had snuck out because of Soriyah. Hitomi had been out in the first place, unable to sleep. Unable to think of anything besides Van being married. She'd only been there for a few days and hadn't given any thought to actually staying despite everything. It wasn't until a week later, and much contemplation she decided to not return to Earth right away.

She guessed she was still holding some small chance.

She'd been sitting on the grass when he came and sat beside her. It was then that he told her about the treaty the council had fixed with Soriyah's father. How this connection was important to the trade in Fanalia and how it had helped to build Fanalia into a stronger nation. He'd told her though, that when it came to this, all he cared about what having Hitomi there, and that if he could, he would leave Soriyah, all to be with Hitomi.

It was when she looked at him in shock and confusion that he'd admitted his feelings. The "I love you" that always took her breath away when it came to him. His voice was sure, but the look on his face wasn't, and she'd had to wrap her arms around him in reassurance and whispered it in his ear before he relaxed.

That was the first time they'd touched after she'd found out about the marriage.

She had no idea how far everything would go.

He sighed, as if getting control of his thoughts before speaking again. "Do you want the baby?"

She couldn't deny it. "Yes... I want to share anything with you."

His eyes lit up, but his face remained serious. "Then have the baby."

"But-"

"I'll take care of everything." He suddenly sounded exhausted, and she felt tears come to her eyes again. For him, not because of him.

Carefully, as if he could break, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer to her. He rested his forehead on her shoulder and looped an arm around her back while the other sought out her hand, pulling one arm loose from around him to clasp tightly.

"I love you." She made it come out with just as much truth and power to it as he normally would, running her fingers through his hair before laying her chin on the top of his head. His breath fell across her collar bone and she was happy she was wearing a thin, simple dress as it allowed her to feel closer to him.

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A/N: I was going to have more stuff happen in this chapter. More scenes, but I realized how long this once scene took up. -laughs- well, that's convenient. It allows me to write more chapters :P

review please!


	8. When it all comes together:ends

Memories Keep You Near

A/N: thanks for all the comments guys! I really appreciate all the feedback I've gotten so far! -hug-

This is the last chapter TTTT

Chapter 8

Van had her moved into the castle within a few days. Settled into the room she was in upon first arriving on Gaea this time around, the one that had originally been intended for Merle. She found the four walls a little more comforting since her stay at the inn and in the garden cottage, and guessed that her new comfort in surroundings had to do with her new sense of comfort in the situation, no matter how confusing and frustrating everything still was.

During the first few days of her having been settled she the castle she worried about things. Constantly. She worried if Van moving her into the castle and providing this new onslaught of things brought to her room was just another act of guilt. The new bedding. The constant desserts, hot baths and surprise breakfasts she would awake to. She worried he was simply shoving these luxuries on her to "butter her up" in essence, so she wouldn't be angry if he suddenly decided to no acknowledge her.

Was it a possibility. She most certainly thought it was, and because of this felt sick to her stomach from not just the baby growing there.

The only ones she found comfort in were Merle and Celena and seemed the only ones not tiptoeing around her. They were ecstatic with the news of a baby on the way, bringing her presents as well and choosing to take picnics with her outside their cottage on wonderful, warm days. They seemed to be off in their own world where there was no worry about the fact this child should not even exist. Hitomi wished she could retreat into that world without guilt and fear too, but knew that would never happen.

The two girls were also a link to the going-ons of the castle to Hitomi. Merle was about to sit in on some meetings with the council and fill her in on the happenings while Celena was closer to Soriyah's maids than Merle and always got inside information on the queen. Celena was also a good source of information when it came to her other friends in other parts of Gaea. It was from Celena that Hitomi learned about Millerna's worry over the whole affair, and had learned that Millerna offered a place near Millerna in Asturia if she wished it.

Hitomi had to turn it down, asking Celena to write a letter in reply to the comment to Millerna saying they should get together soon, but not until she had a good sense of what was happening here. Asking Millerna to please understand that she couldn't leave yet.

Not yet.

Hitomi felt a rise in tension after Merle returned from a meeting with the council one day -- she'd been eavesdropping on it -- and announced that the council was getting on Van's case about the rumors of "an affair" circulating the castle and that "if Soriyah's father were to find out" it would only go badly for Van.

The thought of escaping from Fanalia only seemed more appealing after that announcement, and she'd been fully resolved to leave when Van snuck into her room that night.

She hadn't seen him for so long it felt like. Not really. Small glances in the dining hall and around the castle. She'd watched him practice sword skills with a few of his guardsmen the other day too from afar, and knew he hadn't seen her watching. He'd been sending her stuff and smiling at her in the hallways, but besides that nothing much.

He looked exhausted always, so she felt she didn't want to push him, no matter how much it made her uneasy not to.

Was he even happy about the baby?

She'd been sleeping when he entered the room, having dealt with a bad stomach all day, morning sickness coming more and more. She was relieved to hear all that would be over with very soon, but she was still exhausted from the entire thing.

He'd come in and woken her, like that night many months ago on his birthday, with a light touch to the shoulder.

She'd been just as surprise to wake to completely darkness, but this time _knew_ it was him, rolling over to face him before sitting up. Her curtains were open, and she could see him perfectly, just in shades of gray. He was wearing dark clothing, and if she weren't wrapped up in this intrigue she might have found the whole amusing. Van dressed in black pants and a black, loose shirt. A thief sneaking around in the night.

He blinked down at her, as if he was still adjusting to the darkness and without a word she pulled him down onto the bed next to her, so suddenly that he had to scramble to remove his boots. She heard the dull thud as they hit the floor boards, and the bed creaked under his weight as he struggled to catch his balance on the mattress, nearly toppling into her.

She did laugh then, holding him close to her while he exhaled sharply through his nose as if in relief.

Perhaps she should have been mad at him, she thought, for ignoring her this past week.

She couldn't be mad at him.

"I heard about the meeting today." She spoke when they had both stilled, his breath blew across her right ear, tickling her neck. She pressed her face into his neck to breath in the scent of him, having missed him so badly.

He sighed, his body slumping against hers and she lay down so that he wouldn't knock her over. Carefully he stretched out beside her and she was pleasantly warmed and happy as a strong hand stretched out over her belly.

Where her baby was growing. Where _they're_ baby was growing.

"They're cranky and old men." He she felt him tense beside her as he spoke, obviously not very happy with them at the moment. "And where I know they're just looking out for the country, and for me, I wish I didn't have to deal with the lot of them."

Hitomi did not say anything, as she could not come up with anything to say.

Van seemed to find the silence too uncomfortable. "I've been looking for something to help us."

"What?" She'd been facing the ceiling and now turned to look at him through the darkness. He had his eyes closed, his mouth set in a tight line.

"I _know_ there is something about it, somewhere. Something that could help us. I heard about it once... a rule or guideline allowing for the king to have a..." he hesitated with the word, and she felt herself tense at the pause. "...lover."

"Would it allow for a baby?"

He stiffened, and it was times like this that she felt he might maybe not want the baby. However, those thoughts were soon dashed as he untensed and ran his hand along her belly, just the starts of something forming. A tiny, not even visible bump. They could hide it for now... but in a few months?

He gently kissed her shoulder. "I don't know. If not, I'll make something up."

She snorted, relishing in this a moment. The feel of his hand along her belly. His breath on her neck. His old stubborn behavior showing through. "Make something up?"

He sighed through his nose and she fell silent, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might be able to pull it off.

"The only problem with most of this is Gava."

"Who?" She wrinkled her nose at the sound of the foreign name.

"Soriyah's father."

"Oh..." Hitomi fell silent again, wondering if there was anything Soriyah could do on the matter, but thinking it might be a bad idea to ask. Besides, she knew things didn't work like that here on Gaea. Afterall, Soriyah was practically sold to Van in exchange for a better trade agreement between the countries.

What if she was born on Gaea? Would she be in the same situation? Worse off?

They were both silent for a long while, and when Hitomi turned to face him, opening her mouth to comment more she found that his breathing had evened out completely, and his face had changed to it's natural, childish innocence created by sleep. She smiled at him, brushing his bangs away from his eyes slowly and gently before placing her forehead against his, delighted as he stirred a moment to slip his arm under her pillow and slid his hand along her stomach again.

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Everything changed the next day.

She'd been getting ready to go into the capital with Merle and Celena. She'd gotten dressed in a pretty dress she'd bought while living in the inn from a street vendor, and was enjoying the feel of the soft fabric against her skin. She'd been so giddy with the thought of dressing up and going into town with her girlfriends -- it almost felt like being on Earth again -- she'd dressed in front of the mirror and spun around several times playful to watch the knee length dress spin and curve around her body, enjoying her still petite body before her feet swell up from the pregnancy and her belly sticks out. The healthy glow that seemed to accompany all pregnant women, or so she'd been told, made her tan look even better and she suddenly wished it was with Van she could traipse around the town with, feeling this pretty suddenly.

Even though she knew they couldn't ever really do that.

She'd been slipping into her sandals when she lost her balance and bumped into the small desk off the side of the room. The books she had spilled off the top onto the floor and she sighed as she bent down to quickly scoop them up again. She'd found the yellowing, aged slip of parchment just as someone knocked on her door.

Sitting up to her knees she folded the piece of parchment back over and quickly scanned the article just as Merle entered the room chanting something about Hitomi falling behind.

Hitomi wasn't listening. All she could do was stare in shock at the words scratched in the parchment by someone long ago. Her eyes wide, her mouth open in a moment of surprise.

Merle had stopped in the doorway and was saying her name, but Hitomi didn't respond, having just remembered where and when she got this paper, and by who it had been sent.

---------------------------------------------------

"Soriyah."

The queen looked up from a pile of fabrics, as did the many women surrounding her, holding out yards of ribbons, silks and other such apparel for her scrutiny. Most of the women were young. Some Hitomi had met before, and she stood at the doorway a bit awkwardly before Soriyah stood in all her tall, beautiful glory and motioned her into the room with a smile.

This was the first time Hitomi had been her presence since the day on the cliffs, when she'd confessed her need for Hitomi to stay on Gaea. To stay with Van and her...

Hitomi had wanted to avoid the queen, feeling both a little awkward from the kiss, and altogether guilty about the pregnancy, thinking it wouldn't be right to flaunt it in front of the young Queen of Fanalia.

She felt a fool.

"Lady Hitomi..." Her smile was still the same, quiet, innocent smile that Hitomi always noticed, only now she caught a surging undertone that, now that she knew was there, was sure she'd seen it on her before. Something like triumph.

Still Hitomi couldn't hate her. Not with that smile. Not with those beautiful expression-filled eyes.

As Hitomi entered, stepping over and around drapes of fabric and a mess of sewing supplies, Soriyah enveloped her in something like a hug, planting a small kiss on her forehead as if Hitomi were a small child, and Hitomi heard, rather than saw the women in the room get back to their work.

"I expected you earlier." Soriyah grinned down at in what could almost be called a playful manner before clapping her hands together once to get the attention of the numerous seamstresses. "Everyone. That is enough for now, thank you."

The bowed and left in a hurry, passing Hitomi curious glances as they left. News travels fast in a castle where most of the staff is women, and Hitomi felt distinctly uncomfortable as the door closed behind them.

"Well?" She smiled and moved away from Hitomi, going back over to the pile of fabric and picking up a long strip of fabric of a dark blue. "You must have come here for a reason. You've been avoiding me otherwise, but I wanted to congratulate you on the baby."

She stiffened, turning her gaze towards the floor. "Soriyah..."

No, she wouldn't revert to feeling sorry again. She resolutely turned her chin up and shoved the parchment in the taller woman's general direction. "What is this?"

Soriyah looked at the paper for just a second before smiling and turning her eyes on Hitomi. "Exactly what is says I believe."

"I don't understand."

Soriyah stepped forward and took the parchment than. "I got it from a book in Van's private studies after my first miscarriage." She unfolded the parchment and looked over it a second, as if she'd forgotten what was there, but Hitomi knew it was just for her benefit. "It somehow lasted through the fires. Full of information that didn't make much sense to me... rules and guidelines for running this country. Laws..." she smiled and handed the sheet back to Hitomi.

So this was what Van had been looking for.

Hitomi couldn't seem to wrap this whole thing around her brain. "Explain what it means."

Soriyah continued to smile. "You're a very smart girl, Hitomi. Far smarter than I... you already understand what it means."

She did, she just wouldn't believe it. "Please."

"It means..." Soriyah turned to the window facing out towards the garden rather than the city. She leaned against it before turning back to Hitomi. "When the queen is unable to give the King an heir to the throne, the king is allowed to take up a concubine... or a mistress of sorts and obtain a child through that union. However..." here she looked Hitomi directly in the eyes. "The child would have to be adopted into the royal family and claimed as the queens own to be legitimate. Do you understand?"

Hitomi clenched her fists together in frustration. "You knew this all along."

"Yes..." She trailed off. "Don't get me wrong please, Lady Hitomi. I really do wish you to stay."

Hitomi took a desperate step towards her. "So that you can keep your claim to the throne!"

She seemed a little surprised at the outburst, and she shook her head, dark hair sliding over tanned shoulders. "You don't think I could have simply found someone else?" She brandished the parchment again. "The queen is the one to choose the other woman. In order to keep her role alive, especially if the position is held through union with another country."

Hitomi felt tears sting her eyes. She didn't know what hurt worse. What was written on the parchment? Or the fact that Soriyah had been lying to her all along.

"In my country, the king would simply be allowed to find a new wife. In Fanalia, it's a little different."

Hitomi clenched her fists so tight that her nails bit into her palms, but untightened as Soriyah made her way towards her.

"Don't look at this as a betrayal, please, Hitomi. I meant it only out of good conscious. I love Van... but my father made it very clear to me that my position as his Queen is important to the connection between our countries. I don't want a war to start..."

"Neither do I!"

Soriyah smiled. "I know that... which is why you're going to go along with it."

Hitomi felt herself nodding. After all... she did still get what she wanted.

_This_ was why Soriyah didn't get in between her and Van. "What about now... once I have the baby?" She felt tears coming down her face. "Will I be sent away?"

Soriyah looked a little hurt, and surprised at her comment. "Heavens, no, Lady Hitomi." She shook her head. "I know that in an instant you could leave and take the baby to the Mystic Moon. The baby and my position are more important than whether or not my husband loves me or not..." Though she seemed just as sad as Hitomi.

Hitomi nodded again, feeling her throat grow tight, her eyes sting from tears, and suddenly Soriyah had her in a hug.

"I know that he will never look at me the way he looks at you." Soriyah smiled through tearful eyes.

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Van was asleep at his desk when she came in. He'd fallen asleep upright, his head slightly tipped to one side, his legs spread out under the desk, one had dangling over the side of the chair, the other in his lap. She couldn't help but smile at the scene, approaching him quietly so as not to wake him.

Stopping in front of his desk she noticed all the thick volume books littering his desks dealt with laws and such things.

He was still trying to find a way out for them.

Hitomi sighed and placed the worn parchment on top of a particular nasty and boring looking book, then carefully reached out to touch his hair.

He awoke with a start and she quickly retracted her hand. He looked blearily up at her before sitting up a bit straighter with a sleepy smile. She knew he was trying to look awake for her.

"Tired?" She asked quietly, slipping in beside him, leaning against the desk and facing him.

He nodded, running both hands over his eyes, palms pressing into his eyes before running hands through his bangs. "Ah... if I have to read through another-"

"Van..." She reached around herself to pick up the parchment, brandishing it before him. "Would this help?"

He took it from her with a wry smile, and as he opened it and read down the page the smile slowly disappeared to be replaced with a look of shock. "Where did you get this?" He lowered it to look up at her.

"Soriyah..."

Van once again looked shocked. "She knew about this?"

Hitomi nodded, and Van looked quietly down at the parchment before setting it down on his desk. He looked suddenly miserable, and Hitomi knew that he thought he was going to turn up something different in his search. He knew what the implications of this were.

After a moment of silence in which Hitomi just stared at the top of his head as he looked at the ground, he looked back up at her with a sigh. "I guess this is the only way... At least the advisors will have to accept this..."

Hitomi tried to smile. "Are you unhappy with this?"

His eyes snapped to hers, looking surprised a moment before that old stubborn fire came back to his eyes. "It gives me a way to be with you. How could I be mad?"

She smiled in earnest now before slipping into his lap, curling her feet up so that her heels pressed in this thighs as he wrapped his arms around her back and legs. She fit her head, near perfectly, against his shoulder, her face into his neck and breathed in his scent, his hair ticking her forehead as she listened to his heart beat, and felt the blood pulsing through his neck. His chin felt stumbly against her own as she brushed her cheek against his, placing a small kiss on his lips when he looked down at her.

It was in that moment that she understood why she gave up everything for him. Why she left her home to stay with him, through everything, and continue to stay with him as long as she could. It was in the way she felt whole in his arms, how he carefully pulled his hand from her legs and pressed it carefully, tenderly against her stomach. How he dipped his head down to carefully kiss her gain. How she knew he would take care of her.

She would give up everything a thousand times over for him, and was suddenly fine with it.

"I love you..." She breathed it out, as she felt his lips graze against her forehead, as he whispered it back to her.

She knew that everything wouldn't be perfect. Would never _be_ perfect... but that was all right with her. As long as she could stay with him like this for a while.

If they were ever separated. If she suddenly couldn't be with him. If she needed to leave... she knew that the memories they shared together -- would share together -- would keep him near to her, always.

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A/N: END!

pretty lame ending... but this is what i've got. haha last chapter!

please review! I would appreciate it.


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